“Back Off Mom,” he said.
Courtney sighed, tired of having to nag.
It was like a wall had gone up between her and her teenage son.
Luke had always been a bright, curious kid. But since the end of 9th grade his grades had been steadily slipping.
His teachers cited missed assignments, rushed papers turned in late, and spacing out in class. From when he aced the occasional quiz, it was clear Luke had the capacity to learn and do well…
But lately it was like he just didn’t care about school.
Nearly every time Courtney knocked on his door to check on homework, she found him scrolling or playing video games.
He’d assure her he was on top of it.
“Back off, mom. I’m just looking something up.” “I’m just taking a quick mental break,” he’d claim.
But the report cards never reflected that.
This kind of situation is so common with teenage boys.
Parents worry they’re just lazy, apathetic, or incapable of getting organized, but it’s more complicated than that.
The reasons for their behavior can be:
Developmental — Neurodivergent kids often have a 3-5 year delay in their Executive Functioning Skills. On top of that, because of cultural expectations, many neurotypical boys develop these skills late as well.
Psychological — No matter what we try to teach our sons, culture still ingrains that they should never show weakness. So they refuse to accept help with their Executive Functioning struggles.
Social — At most schools, for a boy to care about academics, they need to feel comfortable being branded a nerd. Not all of them are. And they may not want to be seen as having to “try harder” than other kids.
The good news is: You can turn this around.
When given the right invitation, the most stubborn and disengaged teenage boy WILL accept help and try new things.
For Courtney and her husband, that looked like:
- Radically changing the way they talked about school,
- Diffusing any shame around disorganization and procrastination,
- Communicating more trust, unconditional love, and approval,
- Finding ways to make new routines feel like Luke’s choice rather than their demand…
They never would have thought it possible:
But once Luke got off the phone with one of our Academic Skills Tutors, Andy (someone most teenage boys get along with and even look up to), he agreed to try some coaching.
With Andy’s help, it didn’t take long for Luke to start getting a fraction of the dopamine reward he gets out of video games from staying on top of his schoolwork.
And that was game-changing.
Luke became noticeably more disciplined and proactive.
He started using tools and systems that worked for him. His homework stopped piling up. And video games stopped being an avoidance strategy, and started being a reward for getting work done.
Of course…teenagers will still be teenagers.
After all this, when Courtney reflexively suggested that Luke really should be working on his English paper, she got the usual:
“Back off mom.” But then Luke added, “Me and Andy have a plan and you’re ruining it.”
Courtney couldn’t help but smile.
She no longer had to be the homework police.
She could just be Luke’s mom.
And that was such a relief.
****
Want to know more about exactly what strategies to use with your teenage son? This free masterclass is for you:
You’ll learn from a panel of experts across education, parenting, and childhood development as we:
- Unpack the psychology and social context of bright teenage boys who underperform
- Clarify what really works for solving disorganization, procrastination, and test performance
- Share better strategies for influencing your son to open up, accept help, and adopt new habits
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